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Student Composition:
Three Passions I Live For
(See Teacher's Comments and Revised Composition Below.)
Looking back on my past twenty years full of passions (1) and enthusiasm,
I feel grateful and (2) to live a healthy and happy life. There are a lot of
qualities I have learnt from ordinary life that guided me through. If I am
asked to list the first three, I will put health, happiness of my family and
enough financial support (3) as the passions I live for.
Health comes first for me. Without health, everything is meaningless. It is
indispensable to everyone (4). Only when one is healthy can he start his
own career, set up his own family and achieve any accomplishment (5). I
always value health and regard it as the preliminary step (6) to possess a
happy family and earn enough money.
Happiness of my family (7) is very important to me because I love my
family wholeheartedly. I get pleasure in their joys and suffer what they
suffer. Their infinite love and support motivate me to overcome any
trouble or obstacle (8) I may meet. To make those I love happy is the
biggest wish for me. What would millions of money (9) mean to me if I
saw my family suffer from pain and agony (10)? Now that I’ve got a
healthy body, I have plenty of time and opportunities to entertain my
family. Then money comes third. (11)
Everyone must admit that they could never do without money (12). Money

"money" correctly than to use a more formal word such as "finances"
incorrectly.
(4) This sentence just repeats the same idea as the previous two sentences,
only using different words. The writer's message is "Health is important.
Health is important. Health is important." It seems the writer is just trying
to show off her knowledge of English without communicating any
message. In the revised essay below, notice how the first two sentences are
combined to show cause and effect, while the third sentence is cut out
completely.
(5) This is far too general. It's not bad grammatically but is quite boring.
The reader must wonder if the writer is capable of describing a real
achievement or not. The writer should give examples of achievements that
she has achieved or hopes to achieve.
(6) The writer seems to be emphasizing health by writing "THE
preliminary step", so "the first step" would be more clear. There might be
many "preliminary" steps, which all might be necessary, but not so
important.
(7) The first time this is mentioned, in the first paragraph, it may be okay
to write it this way. However, the second time it is used, "my family's
happiness" is much more natural. If the writer insists on using this
awkward expression again, she should at least use an article: "The
happiness of my family...".
(8) Again, the writer would show her ability to communicate in English if
she gave an example or two instead of just using the general words
"trouble" and "obstacle".
(9) "Money" is a non-count noun. We could say "millions of dollars",
"millions of pounds", or "millions of yuan". Another possibility would be
"a large amount of money".
(10) We suffer from a disease or some other bad situation. Writing "suffer
from pain and agony" is like writing "suffering from suffering and

every other aspect of one's life.
Good health is not enough to be happy. We still need to have money in
today's society. Money obviously pays for the basic necessities of life -
food, housing, clothing - but is also necessary for other reasons. The
amount of money we have at our disposal determines the quality of
education we can receive. Money guarantees we will always get adequate
medical treatment if the need arises. We can also use money for travel and
other entertainment that can add to our quality of life.
When we have both our health and healthy finances, we can turn our
attention to the most important factor in having a happy life. Family is the
most important factor because it provides the love, joy and support that
everybody needs. I love my family with all my heart. I get pleasure from
their pleasure. I suffer when they suffer. My family helped me get through
the tremendous pressure of entrance exams. They consoled and advised me
when I had misunderstandings with my friends. More importantly, they
were there to share in my successes throughout the past twenty years.
These three factors are all that I need and want in this world. As long as I
stay healthy, work hard to earn as much money as I can, and then use my
health and wealth to share both good times and bad times with my family,
I will always be the happiest girl in the world.
Student Composition:
Self confidence, you help me a lot
(See Corrections and Revised Composition Below.)
My friends often ask me the same question “why are you so (1) blithe all day?” I think the answer is
simple --- (2) it owns a great debt to self-confidence.
(3) When it comes to self confidence, someone will call it (4) “conceited” and I guess it is, but it really
makes me feel at ease (5) I am doing something.
I still remember my first experience of an English Competition: 3 years ago, I was (6) singled out by
my classmates to take part in a Speaking-English competition. When I went up to the stage, I had
butterflies in my stomach. All at once, my mother’s words came to me. “If you want to do something

sounds like a physical action. A common expression used in American English under similar
circumstances would be "Get a hold of yourself".
(8) I also can't imagine why the writer chose the expression "drawn yourself". Why not just "you have
prepared for this competition"? Some students try to add unnecessary words in order to sound
impressive, but often end up getting just the opposite result.
(9) Obviously, "audience" is a non-count noun so the "s" is not needed.
(10) I think I can understand what the writer means by "win the success". Probably the meaning is
simply "succeed", although it's also possible the writer meant "win the competition".
(11) Writing "bound to fail" was probably a mistake made while the writer was tired. The writer either
meant "we are bound to succeed" or "if we do NOT come to terms with them, we are bound to fail".
(12) "Benefit to build up confidence and success" should be changed to simply "build confidence and
lead to success".
(13) "We are not the most excellent" sounds a bit odd. Again, we cannot be certain, so "We may not"
is better. "Most excellent" should just be replaced by "best".
(14) The expression "add happiness into" is unnatural. If the writer keeps the idea of "adding
happiness", then the word "in" instead of "into" is correct. However, the whole expression could be
made better. For example, we could write "make our lives happier".
It seems the writer's self confidence is a double-edged sword. Confidence can help us do more in our
lives, but it can also lead to careless mistakes. You should be confident, but also be a bit careful. Then
you will have the best of both worlds.
Joe's Revised Essay
The Value of Self Confidence
My friends often ask me, "Joe, why are you so carefree all the time?". The answer is quite simple. I
owe my carefree attitude to self confidence. Now, some people may say that self confidence is a form
of conceit, and they may be right. However, my self confidence allows me to feel relaxed no matter
how difficult a task I face, so it is extremely valuable to me.
I remember the first time I partipated in an English competition. Three years ago, my classmates chose
me to speak in an English competition at our school. When I went onstage, I had butterflies in my
stomach. Suddenly, my mother's words came back to me: "If you want to do something, it costs
nothing but self confidence". Since I was chosen to be there, it meant I must have the ability to