The Corporate America Survival Guide
Published by Piers T. Benjamin
Copyright © 2012 Piers T Benjamin
Smashwords Edition
All Rights Reserved
Cover Photo:
New York State of Mind, by Andy Gee
/>Copyright © 2012 used via Creative Commons
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Biography
Piers T. Benjamin is just another corporate drone trying to get by, but he knows
better than to believe the hype his employer spits out every weekday. He wears a suit and
tie, has an MBA from a top business school, and works in a major American city. He is
married to a beautiful blond trophy wife, has 2.5 kids, lives in the suburbs, drives a
luxury SUV, and plays golf at the country club. If you look around, you may even find
that he is sitting in the cubicle right next to you.
Follow Piers at:

/>“If you look annoyed all the time, people think you’re busy.”
George Costanza
“Work is the refuge of people who have nothing better to do”
Oscar Wilde
“America is a country that doesn't know where it is going but is determined to set
a speed record getting there.”
Laurence J. Peter

Lesson 11: If you do the job too well, you’ll never get promoted.
Lesson 12: Everybody panic!!
Lesson 13: It’s their shit.
Lesson 14: The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Don’t squeak.
Lesson 15: It’s not like anyone died on the operating table.
Lesson 16: After five, my life is mine.
Lesson 17: Fuck it.
Introduction
Ok, let’s just put this out on the table. For most of us, Corporate America is a
soul-crushing, unimaginative, alternate universe where the laws of common sense and
reason don’t apply and busywork is rewarded with inflated egos and long titles. It’s like
Alice in Wonderland, except CEOs in the United States sit in luxurious conference rooms
and drink coffee instead of attending the Mad Hatter’s tea party (they do dress alike,
though, and I’d love to see top hats and pocket watches come back in fashion).
Odds are, that’s why you picked up this book. Every now and then (perhaps every
day), there is this moment of clarity where you probably shake your head and laugh, or
yell, or cry at the insanity of it all. Maybe it’s in your car, or during lunch. Maybe it’s at
happy hour, or at dinner with your spouse or partner. Regardless, we all want to know
that we’re not the only one who feels this way.
Trust me, you’re not.
This book was written for two reasons; first, to help you cope and know that there
are others like you out there. People with real lives that are more important than what’s
going on at the office. People who know that a job is just a job and that when we shuffle
off this mortal coil, our last dying thought will not be, “I should’ve finished that report
for Patterson.” It amazes me how easy it is for all of us to get sucked into believing that
work is the driving force behind our essence and being, and hopefully this book with
bring you back into reality with a sense of humor and irreverence for your employer.
Secondly, I hope this book will truly help you cope with your job and keep things
into perspective. Although much of this text is tongue-in-cheek, there are some kernels of
truth to each of these lessons, all of which can be applied to your daily life. Some of these

drastically refined to a frighteningly mind-reading status. What once was a dull butter
knife soon became honed into a razor-sharp samurai sword, and is now continuing to
evolve into a laser that can target the part of your brain that wants to buy this season’s
trendy handbag all the way from China, and can do so while you sleep.
But what does advertising have to do with corporations? Other than the fact that
ads make us want to buy crap we don’t need (and never even knew existed), what’s the
point? How did we get here?
Well, the ever-growing ability of advertisers and marketers to influence your
opinions and views has moved in recent decades beyond just getting us to buy stuff.
Years of proven research around consumer behavior (“behavioral psychology for
business”) has seeped into other areas of the corporate world. Originally, advertising’s
sole purpose was to move products. However, it wasn’t long before that role expanded
into what businesses and producers of consumer products now think of as “brand
management.” In other words, what does brand XYZ mean to you? How does that
particular toothpaste make you feel about yourself? What emotional responses do you
have to that soda you buy religiously? Won’t the Joneses be jealous of your brand-new
luxury car and the 83 inch LCD television you just installed with 32 speakers of surround
sound?
In fact, corporations have gotten so good at this, they’ve learned how to create an
identity for a product out of thin air. More importantly, once that brand is developed and
firmly planted in the minds of consumers, businesses stretch that identity across products,
creating a whole “experience” or “lifestyle” (their terms, not mine) that sucks you in until
you find yourself shelling out more money for extra stuff that’s kinda related, but not
really, to the original stuff you bought but didn’t need. It’s pure genius and it’s why
we’ve all become such good little consumers. It’s also why the vast majority of the U.S.
economy is dependent on consumer spending (aka; all that useless junk you and I buy
every weekend to make ourselves feel better about our lives).
Naturally, Corporate America took notice of this amazing fortune and thought,
“hmmm…”
And like anything else, this is where the real trouble starts.

opinions, and beliefs, why can’t a corporation?
As corporations began to solve this problem, they slowly looked to advertising
and marketing for ways to take that emotional influence and turn it inward on themselves.
Basically, someone had the bright idea; “If we can convince customers and the public to
see us and our crap in a certain way, maybe we can convince our employees to see their
employer in a certain way, as well.”
Once that realization came to pass, it was all downhill from there.
Many people in the business world will argue against this. They will insist that
“the employees of our company create its culture,” and that “our employees live and
breathe the values of this company every day.” To which I call shenanigans.
I dispute this because one of the key questions any company asks themselves
when hiring someone new is, “do they fit our culture?” A corporate lawyer is not going to
fit in at a Silicon Valley tech startup, and someone who strongly supports renewable
energy is probably not going to feel at home in an oil refinery. When Corporate America
disputes these arguments, it’s much like the Wizard of Oz using smoke and mirrors to
frighten you and direct your attention elsewhere.
In the world of marketing, there’s more than just advertising and brand
management. There’s also marketing communications, that wonderful no-man’s land
where talented writers, designers, and artists personify a corporation and its actions. From
public relations to press releases to internal communications, these communications work
to influence people both within and outside the company – in essence, to convince them
that the company is honorable and has good intentions. These communications not only
help sell products, but they make employees feel valued and appreciated; part of
something special that other companies don’t have.
All of which brings us to today, and why corporations present themselves as
wonderful, nurturing environments of peace, love, and happiness.
But there’s a fly in the ointment, and that buzzing sound is the fact that
corporations are no more human than a robot in a bad science fiction movie.
Humans care, feel, breathe, rest, play, sleep, cry, and dance. And really, when was
the last time you saw a company do anything like that? Don’t get me wrong; you and

do at your job, you alone are not irreplaceable. I hate to burst your bubble, but it’s true.
Corporations soldier on whenever a CEO leaves or when the founder retires with his
insanely huge pile of money, private jets, and three dozen homes with private entrances,
so why should you and I be any different?
In fact, one of the reasons you are so replaceable to Corporate America is purely
because of a corporation’s size. It’s a numbers game, and you are just that – a number.
What’s on your corporate ID? An employee number. When you log into your computer at
work, do you have a user ID? Unlike smaller businesses, where employees are known by
names, roles, and personalities, corporations reduce each of us to their shorthand, place
us into little boxes (figuratively and literally), and make sure we stay on that treadmill at
full speed.
Chuck Palahniuk wrote a great book in the 1990’s called Fight Club, which was
also transformed into an outstanding film starting Brad Pitt and Edward Norton. Tyler
Durden, one of the main characters of the story, said something that Corporate America
probably believes, even if it never admits it;
“You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake.”
Then again, Tyler Durden also said something of solace for those of us struggling
to maintain our sanity in Corporate America, and it’s a favorite mantra of mine;
“You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're
not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking
khakis.”
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Lesson 2: It’s a game. Keep score.
As a lowly cog in Corporate America, you’ve probably realized by now that our
working world runs on productivity. Companies are constantly creating junk and selling
it, and as an employee in that machine, you are systematically part of the problem. (In
fact, it’s a self-fulfilling cycle. As good consumers, we buy crap we don’t need, only to
find ourselves stuck in a job to pay for all stuff we want or already have but can’t afford.)
Corporate America, however, is well aware of this, and every day that you get
tantalized into buying a new car, cell phone, piece of technology, or item of clothing

as productive as possible. This meant squeezing every last bit of work out of an employee
before the company actually hired someone else to increase productivity. And as you can
imagine, hiring more employees means less profits. This is where workers’ rights came
into play over a century ago. Whether it was the meat packing industry, clothing
sweatshops, or other industries, employees were literally being worked to extreme
circumstances, and unions were created as a way for workers to unite and protect
themselves.
I’m certainly not a socialist, nor am I making any kind of political statement about
unions. I’m simply providing some background on Corporate America to help you
understand where you fit in.
Today, skilled employees who work in manufacturing and physical labor have
undeniably hard jobs, but they also have made great strides to protect themselves from
questionable business practices the business world got away with for far too long. Yet
odds are, you’re probably what Corporate America calls an information worker; someone
who doesn’t necessarily create anything with their hands, but instead deals in
information, sending emails, making phone calls, and attending meetings to deliver a
service or some other intangible good.
And as information workers, it’s very hard to measure just how productive we
are. After all, someone on an assembly line can take pride in knowing they built 200 cars
today. Can you argue that you were productive because you sent our 200 emails today?
Probably not.
Corporate America realizes this and is constantly trying to quantify and measure
our productivity while simultaneously insisting that we become more and more
productive during our eight hour workday (although, in reality, a ten hour workday is
more accurate). To managers and executives in Corporate America, this inability to be
exact around their employees’ productivity makes a great loophole to guilt and force
people to be more productive and live in fear.
Americans take fewer vacations than most everyone else in the world, and they
work longer hours. Worse yet, we’ve been sucked into believing that it’s a badge of
honor. We fall for it hook, line, and sinker because it gets us a few dollars more and feeds

months, and take off with your significant other to Mexico in September once all the
soccer moms are back after Labor Day.
Lastly, don’t ever feel bad about using your vacation days. Having leftover days
off at the end of the year is a cardinal sin in my book. Don’t throw ‘em away, and if
you’re stockpiling them, you sure as hell better have a good reason.
2. Use Those Benefits
The other thing many people don’t take advantage of is their corporate benefits.
This could be health related, public transportation subsidies, or any other type of perk that
puts a few extra dollars in your pocket or saves you money. But sadly, the laziness that
keeps us from filling out a few forms and photocopying a receipt means more gains for
Corporate America.
If you live in a major city, and your employer is willing to pay for all or part of
the cost of public transportation, why the hell wouldn’t you take advantage of it (unless
you have major conflicts with the kids, daycare, reliability of the transportation, etc.)?
Driving on highways with other commuters is a royal pain in the ass, and it’s so much
nicer not to deal with gridlock.
Maybe you like to work out and hit the gym a few times of week. If so, you
should be checking to see if your employer will reimburse you for joining a gym. Even if
it’s half the cost of your membership, it’s still money that doesn’t come out of your hard-
earned paycheck. Same thing goes for weight-loss programs. More and more companies
are paying for memberships in these programs, which means you may be able to try out
those weekly meetings and calorie-counting websites without paying for them.
Here’s another example; when was the last time you went to the dentist? Ok, so
it’s not fun, but if you have dental insurance and it costs you $20 to go twice a year and
get your teeth cleaned, it’s certainly a good use of your time and money. (Plus, if they can
only see you at 9:30 AM, it looks like you may have to come in late that day.) Same thing
applies for annual physicals with your doctor or preventive visits to other specialists. If
your mother had skin cancer, and a dermatologist can check you out for just a few bucks
out of your pocket, you’d be crazy not to do it. Same thing for eyeglasses and contacts. If
your insurance pays for all or part of contact lenses or new glasses each year, wouldn’t

surrounded by colleagues or office talk and do something non-work related. Hell, go to a
department store. Buy yourself some new shoes or a video game if necessary. Just get
out. Literally.
5. Don’t Skip Meals
You know you’re stressed and overworked when you realize it’s 2:00 and you
haven’t touched your lunch. Some people in Corporate America will tell you that’s a
badge of honor, but don’t believe it. What it really means is that you have poor
boundaries, and that you’re putting your work above your health. If that happens, you’re
literally working instead of eating and nourishing your body, and how can that be good
for you?
So make a point to eat lunch; a real lunch that requires chewing and utensils, not
something you drink or snack on between emails and meetings. And while you’re at it,
make sure you’re not eating it in front of the monitor.
6. Take Breaks
Depending on the type of person you are, you may be able to type away for hours
without coming up for air or looking away from the monitor. Other people last about ten
or fifteen minutes before their mind wanders to something that’s actually fun and
enjoyable. Neither is right or wrong, but regardless, you need to make a point of taking
breaks. Years ago, when people still smoked, the smoke break was how many corporate
cogs claimed time for themselves during the workday (of course, this was also the era of
the three-martini lunch, so infer your own conclusions).
Today, however, there’s no water cooler, no version of the smoking lounge or
other such break area at most offices in Corporate America. Sadly, this makes taking
breaks during the day that much more difficult for most of us, since there’s no way to
really do so without leaving the building. Personally, I don’t think this is a coincidence,
and with more and more offices providing wireless internet access and laptops, corporate
cogs can be productive anywhere. This is not a good thing.
So instead, most of us take little “micro-breaks” at our desk. Maybe you check
your personal email, surf the internet for a few minutes, or play with your cell phone.
Whatever it is, you need to get up and walk away from the computer, step away from the

key here is plan things like these in advance. If you’re going home and sitting in front of
the television or computer every night, you’ll find yourself dragging out your work day
well into the evening.
There’s lots of things you can do to keep from getting too sucked into the
workday and let your productivity and stress go overboard. Yet if you look closely at
everything mentioned above, there’s one common theme running though all of them; set
boundaries.
Corporate America wants its workers to stay in a hyper-vigilant, super-productive
mode where we run, run, run, like hamsters on a wheel, then go home exhausted, where
we collapse on the couch, eat dinner, have a drink, and go to bed. You can fight that by
setting boundaries at work. Don’t do anything stupid that’s going to get you fired, but
remember that you’re in control of your productivity – so let limits on what you’re
willing to do each day. Because if you don’t, that rushed paced quickly becomes the
norm. (And isn’t that how we all got in this place to being with?)
Extreme productivity is nothing but a cost saving measure. And although it saves
your employer money, it’s costing you health and happiness. Remember that the next
time you’re rushed at work, and fight against extreme productivity tooth and nail.
Lesson 3: Never be the person who cares the most.
This little nugget of wisdom was taught to me by a former coworker who had a
reputation for being very laid back and easygoing. In fact, I really disliked the guy until I
fully came to understand his view on life. And in the process of learning about him, I
gained quite a bit of insight into myself, as well.
When I first met him, I was a newly-minted MBA; full of promise, ego, and silly
business beliefs that I was going to become an executive in nine months, change the
world, and land a book deal for my biography at the same time. Basically, I believed all
the hype and nonsense I’d been fed in the past two years; but in all fairness, most of that
was planted there by a top-notch graduate school. (The fact that I paid them to do so is a
whole other book somewhere down the line.)
Furthermore, I had just started a new job, which is a recipe for disaster. Bigger
paycheck, bigger title, Corporate American Express card, business travel, hotels, and

by some people, and this guy was obviously doing something right in the world of
Corporate America, because he’d been working at the same company for over a decade
and managed to live a life mostly free of work-related stress.
I couldn’t put my finger on it, and this MBA was determined as hell to solve this
problem out. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want the guy fired. But I sure as hell wanted
his number. His Achilles heel. His weakness.
I kept asking myself, “What’s his secret? How does he do it?”
Then one day it happened. I discovered what had been working for him all these
years. I learned that guy’s personal mantra for surviving Corporate America.
It happened on a Wednesday. (I’m guessing, but am also fairly certain, because as
we all know, each day has its own unique feel to it. Monday sucks. Tuesday you’ve
settled in for the long haul and accepted your own personal hell. Wednesday is the day
you wish was Thursday but isn’t. Thursday is upbeat because you’re ready to start the
weekend early. And Friday is easy. Friday you’re simply coasting until 5:00 because
you’ve already checked out mentally.)
Anyway, I distinctly remember wishing it was Thursday, but knew it wasn’t, so it
had to have been a Wednesday.
I was complaining about a co-worker in another department, a real piece of work
who made even me crazy, which in hindsight solidifies the fact that this person was
batshit crazy and totally neurotic. Anyway, I had just ended a particularly difficult phone
call with this person and started to recount the previous ten minutes of hell that I’d been
put through. A few minutes into my rant, I noticed that the guy’s cubicle is eerily quiet.
This made me wonder if he was even listening to me, so I stood up and went over to his
cube as ego-filled frustration and narcissism continued to spew from my mouth.
He was there, all right. Sitting in his desk chair, he swiveled around to face me,
leaning back with his elbows on the arms of the chair and fingertips touching each other
so that he’d created a pyramid of fingers in front of his chest. Once he stopped moving,
he stretched out his legs and crossed his ankles. Something about his posture
demonstrated just how tough it is to truly relax in a desk chair. Yet here he was,
obviously someone who had put some thought into the most optimal seating position

to me that this guy really didn’t give a shit about his job.
But it wasn’t that simple. When I conveyed the story to my wife that evening over
dinner, she said, “He may be on to something.”
I pushed it aside, mostly for two reasons. First, I was so gung-ho at my job that I
couldn’t see the forest for the trees, and second, there was no way on God’s Green Earth
that I was going to admit that this guy knew anything about the business world.
And in some ways, I was right. That guy didn’t know anything about the business
world. The business world is about how to get things done, how to get promoted, how to
land a new job and make a bigger bonus. What that guy did know about was Corporate
America, and as we all know, the world of Corporate America isn’t about getting things
done. It’s about all the other nonsense and red tape that can take the place of good, hard
work.
A few days later, I found myself in a similar situation with that same batshit crazy
coworker, along with a few others. We were talking about a project and the various
responsibilities and tasks associated with this project, one of which involved a decision
that needed to be made jointly by the team, but whose work would be done by yours
truly. Up until that point, I would pride myself on having skin in the game, of being that
person who wanted to influence decisions – especially ones that had a direct result on my
workload.
The problem was, this was not an easy decision. It involved some additional
research; a few phone calls, some questioning of other areas, and some information
gathering before we could move ahead. Now normally, I was all over that kind of stuff.
Any opportunity to learn about processes and details was also an opportunity to network
internally, build relationships, and become an expert on something. To me, that was
career gold.
But my coworkers were Type A overachievers, too (especially the batshit crazy
one), and they had their own opinions about the decision and how it should be handled.
And just at that moment, just as they started to debate the best solution to this
insignificant, technical problem, I heard that guy’s voice like Yoda in a tie, counseling
me as I sat across from batshit Darth Vader at a conference table.

Odds are, there’s some project, shared responsibility, team, or other initiative that
you’re a part of right now. As long as you’re not the leader of this project (and even then,
you still have a chance), there’s nothing stopping you from mentally taking a step back. If
you’re constantly on the front lines of battle, fighting the good fight, you’re going to
eventually get blown away (or stabbed in the back). Yet Corporate America is constantly
looking for soldiers who will lead the charge into any and all projects and tasks. And
should you ever leave, die, or move on, there will always be another willing soldier ready
to take your place.
The key here, however, is to not completely blow off your responsibilities. Not
being the one who cares the most is absolutely not the same thing as being the one who
cares the least (or not at all).
To go back to my car analogy, let others fight over the steering wheel and argue
about who’s going to give directions. Instead, climb in the back seat and tag along for the
ride. Just make sure you don’t completely get out of the car.
As for the office Yoda? As time went on, I started to get a real sense of how he
survived Corporate America as long as he had. In later conversations, I discovered that he
truly enjoyed his life outside of his cubicle. He traveled to other countries with his wife
and family, hosted pool parties and cookouts in his back yard, played basketball with
coworkers, and played poker and smoked cigars with his buddies. Simply put, he had his
priorities straight. He was a good father and husband, and was very open about the fact
that his real life was outside Corporate America. Work for that guy was truly a four letter
word. He did it because he had to, but he had no illusions about it. To him, work was a
necessary evil, and if you have to sell your soul and suffer a slow, painful death in a tie to
support your family, well then, that’s the price of being a father and family man.
That makes a lot of sense in my book. In fact, I’ve started a mantra of my own,
thanks to him. These days, whenever I find myself taking Corporate America too
seriously or starting to believe all the crap being shoveled my way, I think, “WWOYD?”
(What Would Office Yoda Do?)
Lesson 4: Synergy is a dirty word.
As an educated man and someone who enjoys reading books, I actually try to

Most of the time, it takes a lot less than six. In fact, some of the best-titled
business books can go right from the title to “so you can make more money.”
Why does all this matter? Because these books set the tone for Corporate
America’s next big (in other words, bad) idea, and what they lack in creative ideas and
concepts they make up for in creative language and words. You may not realize it, but
once men and women have climbed the corporate ladder to the upper echelons of
Corporate America, they become obsessed with staying there and not slipping back
down. And how does an exec stay on his or her A game? By staying well-read and in
tune with the newest business ideas and trends.
For example, I have actually worked for a company where the corporate
executives had a reading club. Well, quite honestly, it wasn’t a real reading club where
the executives actually read the book. Heavens, no. Who has time for that? This club fed
off of up-and-coming corporate managers just outside the executive realm who were
chosen to participate. You see, those chosen managers had the privilege of being assigned
a book by the executives, reading it, and delivering a presentation to the executives that
summarized the book in a twenty minute presentation.
That’s right, these up-and-coming managers provided book reports to their
executives in the guise of that holiest of Corporate Bibles – the Powerpoint presentation.
And the executives, of course, got to cheat by learning the key points of a book without
actually having to read it. Pure genius!!!
It’s a pretty amazing process, and even for those lowly executives who still read
business books the old-fashioned way, there’s a panicked need to be on the forefront of
the next big idea. And usually, the next big idea is an old idea that’s fallen out of favor
and come back around full circle until everything old seems new again.
And so, Corporate America grabs hold of the next big idea, which is really just an
idea to occupy our time right now, gives it a name and some language to make it sound
fresh and new, and spins it out into the world to see if it sticks or has any impact. (Sounds
like advertising again, doesn’t it?) This, my friends, is Corporatespeak.
And Corporatespeak is its own brand of bullshit. In fact, if it were up to me, I’d
give it a trademark; Corporatespeak™

takes work. (Hey, I never said surviving Corporate America was a walk in the park.)
Which is why I read business books. It’s not so much that I think I’m actually
going to learn something new. Instead, it helps me keep pace with my managers and
executives. If they are learning the new buzzword of the day and plan on throwing it out
in next week’s team meeting, I sure as hell want to be prepared for that. In a perverse
way, it’s kinda fun to be the only person in the room who knows what the boss is talking
about when they unleash the next synonym for “synergy” on my unsuspecting coworkers.
In fact, it’s even more fun to throw the word back into play by mentioning the book and
attempting to pull some random (yet obvious) concept out of my ass and throw it on the
table like an ass-kissing attempt to impress the room.
Really, though, I’m not kissing ass. I’m leading the charge to protect my
colleagues and teammates.
Lots of times, I’ll defuse the word by explaining it to others in the room as I
rephrase what my boss or executive just said. Not in an egotistical way, mind you, but in
a way that adds something to the conversation as well as restates what was just said in
plain English.
For example, let’s say my colleagues, teammates, and I are I’m in a meeting with
my boss, who insists “the team needs better synergy to avoid duplicitous work and cross-
leverage quarterly goals across initiatives.”
I’d immediately bounce back with an agreeing nod, while completely defusing
this bomb of verbal garbage that has just been spewed in the middle of the conference
room. I’d probably say something like;
“I agree! That’s a great idea, Chris. If we want to meet our goals for the quarter,
we should be doing just that. We need to share more information with our colleagues, and
talk more about projects we’re working on so we’re not repeating each other’s work.”
It can be a little tricky at first (or maybe not, if you’ve been in Corporate America
long enough). Think of it as speaking a second language – because that’s what it is. If
you’ve ever taken a trip to another country that doesn’t speak English, you may have
started not knowing how to say or ask anything, but eventually you pick up some of the
language. If you speak Spanish, for example, and visit France for a week-long vacation,

important it is to maintain their match in the 401k. (Aren’t you lucky?) Or that there’s a
new on-site medical clinic, so you don’t even have to leave the building to go to the
doctor. (Why lose an hour out of your productive day, when you can be back at your desk
checking emails in less than 30 minutes? Aren’t you lucky?)
Sadly, we’re so used to these messages that we block them out without thought.
But over time, they have a subtle impact on us, encouraging us to feel oh so fortunate to
even have a job in the first place.
But as with any business asset, management must deal with that tricky balance
between costs and production. And that, my friends, means headcount - that wonderful
management buzzword that literally sounds like an axe falling when you say it aloud.
Anytime we hear someone mention headcount, we all go into a nervous, tense panic –
and rightfully so. Call it a reduction, redundancy, natural attrition, downsizing, call it
whatever you want. It’s simply a formal, stiff way of saying, “We’re letting people go
because we’re not making enough money.”
Corporate America fires people in any number of ways. Some of the more
ruthless companies on Wall Street simply call everyone into a meeting at 8:00 AM, tell
them they’re being let go, and send everyone back to their desks to pack up and get the
hell out of the building before 9:00 AM. “Hand over your ID badge, and by the way,
thanks for working until 10:00 last night. That report you finished looks great.”
Sure, this may sound heartless, but you gotta admit, at least it’s straightforward.
Besides, that’s the way Wall Street works. If you’ve ever known someone in investment
banking who’s left their job for a competitor, they can attest to a very similar experience.
Other companies in Corporate America, though, take different approaches. Some
manufacturing companies notoriously drag out layoffs, leaving floundering plants and
distribution centers open for months (if not years), hoping that disgruntled employees
will find a new job and quit before the place closes. It’s the coward’s way of avoiding
severance pay and benefits for loyal employees, because if they leave on their own for