The
Heart
of
Grief
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The
Heart
of
Grief
Death
and the
Search
for
Lasting
Love
THOMAS
ATTIG
OXFORD
UNIVERSITY PRESS
New
York
«
Oxford
2OOO
OXPORD
UNIVERSITY PRESS
Oxford
NewYork
Athens Auckland Bangkok
Bogota

NY
10016

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No
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Oxford University Press.

1.
Bereavement—Psychological
aspects.
2.
Bereavement—Psychological
aspects—
Case
studies.
3.
Grief.
4.
Grief—Case
studies.
5.
Death—Psychological
as-
pects.
6.
Loss
(Psychology)
I.
Tide.
BF575.G7A7882000
155.9'37—dc21
99-049842
A
Grief
Observed,
by C. S.
Lewis, Faber

America
on
acid
free
paper
In
loving memory
of
my
father, Clare
Attig,
and
my
grandmother, Mary
Nagel,
and
in
gratitude
for all
they have
given
and
continue
to
give.
This page intentionally left blank
Contents
Preface
xi
I.

Separation
39
Good
and
Troubled
Loving
42
Receiving Their Legacies
45
Giving Them
Places
in Our
Hearts
50
Lasting Love
Is
Good
for
Them
54
Lasting Love
Is
Good
for Us 59
Learning
to
Love
in a New Way 63
II.
TRANSITIONS

in
Memory
107
Unfinished
Business
112
Negative Ties That Bind
Us
118
Horrific
Memories
122
Memories
and
Dying
Days
126
Remembering
at the
Time
of
Death
132
Fragile
and
Fleeting Memories
136
Incomplete
and
Partial Memories

177
Following
in
Their Footsteps
182
Making Their Cares
and
Interests
Our Own
V.
LIFE
OF THE
SOUL:
RETURNING
HOME
Loss
and
Soul Pain
193
Choosing
How We
Approach
Our
Hurt

198
They
Are
with
Us in Our

Souls
in
Mysterious
Ways.
230
Learning
to Be
Soulful
235
161
186
VI.
LIFE
OF THE
SPIRIT:
REVIVING
HOPE
Loss
and
Spiritual Pain
245
Their
Spirits
Are
with
Us 250
Resilience
257
Searching
263

T-r
^
As
a
teacher,
speaker,
and
author
I've
listened
to
count-
less
grieving
persons
in the
last
twenty-five
years.
Most
of
what
I
know
about
grieving
I've
learned
from
their

great
pain
and
anguish.
Recently
a man
came
up to me at a
conference
to
say,
"I
want
you
to
know
how
much
I
hated
you
years
ago."
I'd
never been
approached
quite like that
before
by
someone

love dies.
He
said
it was as
if
I was
looking directly
into
his raw
grief over
his
daughter.
He
remembered
my
talking
of how we
naturally
want
someone
we
love
to
be
with
us. How
we
fear
that
if

how I
said
that
the
worst agony
of
intense grief comes
when
we
realize
that
the
return
we
want
more
than
anything
is the
one
thing
we
cannot
have.
"I was in the
darkest place
I'd
ever been
in my
life.

hadn't.
He
began, "Deep
down,
I
realized
you
were
right.
I
hurt
so
terribly because
I
wanted
what
could
not
be.
But I
still wanted
it.
Your words brought
me
face-to-face
with
the
futility
of
staying where

different
way of
loving.
Letting
go of
having
them
with
us in the
flesh
is
painful
and
necessary.
But it is not the
same
as
completely letting
go.
We
still hold
the
gifts
they
gave
us,
the
values
and
meanings

I had
those precious years
with
my
daughter."
I
thanked
him for
approaching
me and
asked
how he was
doing
currently.
He
said,
"Things
are
going
well
with
my
wife
and
son.
I'm
afraid
I got
lost
in my

not
like
I
lost
all
of
her.
Still,
every once
in a
while,
like right now,
I
wish
I
could
just
see
or
hold
her
again."
He did not
elaborate about
how he
keeps
her in
his
life.
But I

all
leaving
the
session.
"I
want
you to
know
that
I
never allowed myself
to
grieve
my
mother's death.
I
didn't
want
to let go. Now I'm
going
to let
myself
grieve."
Before
I
could
respond,
she
withdrew
into

to let go of her
mother,
to
stop
loving her.
That
was the
last thing
she
wanted
to do. Her
tears
xii
•
Preface
expressed
the
agony
of a
paralyzing
refusal,
relief
from that
agony,
and the
beginning
of
grieving
itself.
It

mattered
was
that
she now saw how the
belief
had
misled
her
and
cost
her
dearly.
She
broke free from
it. And she
seemed
grateful
to
realize that grieving
can
lead
instead
to
lasting love.
The
next
day she
approached
me
again

helped
me see
more
clearly
the
extent
of
her
hurt.
She
had
chosen
to
dwell
for
years
in the
pain
of
missing
her
mother rather
than
to
endure
the
unacceptable
pain
of
completely letting

carry
both
the
pain
of
missing
her
mother
and
continuing love
for
her.
I
couldn't
help
wondering what
life
had
been
like
for her and
those
who
loved
her
through those twelve years
as she
stifled
her
grief.

and
letting
go.
I
shuddered, too, when
I
thought that hers
is
only
one
story
among thousands, perhaps millions,
of
those whose lives have
been changed
for the
worse
by the
belief that grieving requires
that
we let go of
those
we
love. Some, like her, swallow their
grief,
linger
in the
pain
of
missing those they love,

become
se-
cretive about enduring connections they still maintain
with
those
who
have died. Some actually
feel
shame about lasting
love.
Such stories
are
among
the
saddest
that grieving persons tell
me.
They
are
stories
of
missed opportunities
and
deep anguish.
Whenever
I
hear them,
I
respond with assurance that loving need
not

with
those
we
love
is
unbounded.
It
is
never
too
late
to
revive love deeply
felt.
Much
of the
damage
caused
by the
belief that grieving requires complete letting
go
can
be
reversed.
I
offer
such
reassurance because
I
have seen

I
have learned
how
cherishing memories
and
contin-
uing
to
care
about some
of
what they cared about
has
enriched
survivors' practical,
soulful,
and
spiritual lives. What
I
have
learned
has
enabled
me to
recognize
such
love
and its
benefits
in my own

primarily
for
those
of us who are
grieving.
To
them
it
offers
encouragement
and
guidance
in
seeking
and
find-
ing
lasting love.
And
this book
is for
those
who
care
for and
about
us as we
grieve, including
our
family

them
to
encourage
and
support
us
as we do
what
we
most want
to do
when someone
we
love
dies.
My
instinct
has
always told
me
that wanting
to
continue lov-
ing
after
death
is
fully
natural
and

prevalent theories, training,
approaches,
and
vocabularies that encourage complete letting
go.
I
have long tried
to
prod theorists
to
reconsider their ideas about
grieving
and
letting
go.
Over
the
years,
I
have found
and
developed vocabulary that
fits
comfortably with
and
reflects
the
richness
and
depth

to
speak
and
write
about love
in
terms
of
heart, soul,
and
spirit.
Real-life stories
and
accounts
of
personal experiences make
the
possibility
and
desirability
of
lasting love transparent
and
con-
crete.
I
have used detailed stories
and
accounts
to

doubt
we do
need
to let go of
what
stalls
our
grieving,
hinders
our
ability
to
thrive,
or
blocks
our
returning
to the
full-
ness
of
life.
Sometimes
we are
gripped
by
deep
and
often
un-

of
Preface
• xv
our
relationships, including dependence, possessiveness, abuse,
or
control
and
manipulation. Sometimes
our
holding
on to the
past
or
those
who
have died
is
obsessive, preoccupying,
or
excessive.
And no
doubt therapists, counselors,
and
writers
about grief have
served
us
well
in

of our
closest relationships with fam-
ily
and
friends
have good
in
them. Those
we
mourn lived lives
filled
with
value
and
meaning.
What
we
have shared
with
them
in the
past powerfully influences
who we are and
become. Death
does
not
erase
our
past with those
we

lasting love
and the
consolation
it
brings.
We
will experience pain
and
anguish.
We
will meet daunting challenges.
The
stories
I
include here reveal
the
shattering
effects
of
losing those
we
love:
the
anguish
of
long-
ing for an
impossible return. Broken hearts, homesick souls,
and
grounded spirits. Encounters with worlds transformed

physical surroundings,
with
fellow survivors,
and in
the
greater scheme
of
things. Reshaping
our
daily lives.
Redi-
recting
our
life
stories. Changing ourselves.
Reviving
our
souls
and
spirits.
Stories show
us how
different
we are in our
grieving. Each
of
us
experiences loss, even
of the
same person, uniquely.

•
Preface
our
selves.
We
play
our own
parts
in
reshaping
and
redirecting
life
in our
families
and
communities.
Love
is the
heart
of
these stories
of
grieving. Love
is the
bond
that connects
family
and
friends.

we may
forget
or
stop
loving them. Nearly
all of us
want
to
keep
our
love alive.
But
we are at a
loss
as to how to do it.
Most
of us
want
to
continue loving because
we
have
had the
good fortune
to
love
and be
loved
in
return

John Denver song "Perhaps Love"
captures
their sometimes placid, sometimes stormy, sometimes
joyful,
sometimes
painful,
sometimes enriching,
and
sometimes
challenging
character.
His
lyrics
reflect
what
we all
know: that
loving
relationships
can be
both
powerfully constructive
and of-
ten
troubling
forces
in our
lives.
Typically,
we

die.
Sadly,
some
of us
survive relationships that were deeply trou-
bled
and
even profoundly destructive
in
which there
is
little
love
to
continue.
Your
story
of
grieving
may be
dominated
by
tales
of
such
troubles
and
your struggles
to
break

to
find
a
saving grace
within
your dark tales.
Preface
•
xvii
Grieving
is a
journey that teaches
us how to
love
in a new
way
now
that
our
loved
one is no
longer with
us.
This journey
from
loving
in
presence
to
loving

our
unique acquaintance
with those
we
love.
We
still hold memories that
we can
review
privately
or
share
with
one
another.
We
still
feel
the
imprints
of
their
lives
on us
where
we
hold their practical,
soulful,
and
spir-

paths
on
this journey
are
both arduous
and
hopeful.
Walking them requires that
we
mount
the
courage
to
move
through
our
hurt.
And
that
we
open ourselves
up to
receive what
those
we
love
still have
to
give.
The

for
steady resolve
to
move toward
treasuring
what
we
retain
from
knowing
and
loving those
who
have died.
And it
requires trust that when
we
work
through
the
worst
of our
hurt, what
we
have
not
lost
will
return
to us.

confronting
pain-
ful
reminders
of the
life
now
ended. This retreat adds distance
not
only
from
what triggers pain
but
also
from
what rouses
cher-
ished memories
and
feelings
of
connection.
Our
tears cloud
our
memories.
The
past
recedes
painfully

love
are
leaving
us a
second
time.
But if we can let go of our
anxiety grounded
in the
belief that
all
is
lost,
we
will
find
there
is
little
basis
for
either
the
anxiety
or
the
belief.
When
we
hurt least,

and
move
us. And we can
discover
and
make
our own the
practical,
soulful,
and
spiritual legacies
it
contains.
Our
journey
in
grief
can
bring
us to
lasting love that honors those
who
have died, enriches
our
lives
in
survival,
and
takes
a

walk
in
response.
We
will
suffer,
no
matter which paths
we
choose.
When
we
walk
paths
toward lasting love
and find it, its
many rewards make
the
journey
worthwhile.
Stories
of
personal journeys toward lasting love
are the
heart
of
what
I
offer
in the

my own
experiences.
None
of us
walk
identical paths
on
such journeys. Still,
we can
learn
a
great deal
from
such stories.
I
know
I
have.
So,
too, have others with
whom
I
have shared many
of
these tales
in my
years
of
teaching,
speaking,

anxiety about whether
we can find
lasting
love
for
ourselves.
Preface
•
xix
With
the
anguish that accompanies
the
reshaping
and
redirecting
of our
lives
in the
process.
We can
know that others have walked
similar
difficult
paths
and met
similar challenges.
We
can
also resonate

Others
who
survive with
us.
Family, companions,
friends,
or
oth-
ers
we
know
who are
grieving
losses
that
do not
affect
us as
directly
or as
powerfully.
Or
those whom
we
serve
as
volunteers
or
professionals.
It

for
encouragement, sug-
gestions,
and
hope.
Go at
your
own
pace.
Enter
the
conversation
wherever
it
looks most promising
or
helpful
to
you. Pick
it up
at
other points where
it
appeals
to
you.
Or
follow
it
through

of
Papa
that
loves
me and you and
Daddy?
—Laura,
age
jive
When
her
grandfather
had a
fatal heart
attack,
it was the
first time anyone
close
to
five-year-old
Laura
had
died.
How
strange
to
see her
father, Frank,
cry
openly

reached
out her
hand
for
Laura
and
held
her
close
as she
kept
her
other
arm
around Frank.
She
explained that
Daddy
had to
leave very soon
and
promised
her
full
attention
then.
Frank
left
in
half

he
loved Papa very much
and
missed
him.
She
said
he
would probably
be sad for a
long
time.
She ex-
plained that
she was
crying
both because
of
how it
hurt
to see
Daddy
and
because
she
would
also
miss Papa. Laura began crying,
and
they held

asked,
"What
happened
when
Papa
died?" Joanne explained
that
Papa
died
when
his
heart
stopped
working.
"When
your heart
stops
and the
doctors
can't start
it
again,"
she
said, "the
rest
of
your
body
stops
working,

see
her
grandfather
alive again
on
this earth.
She
would never again
be
able
to sit in his
lap.
She
went
on,
however,
to ask
Laura
to
close
her
eyes. When Laura did, Joanne said, "Try
to
think
of
Papa.
Can
you see his
face?
Can you see him

way any
time
she
wanted. This
was a
great
comfort
to
Laura.
She sat
with
her
eyes
closed
for
several
minutes.
Laura then
opened
her
eyes
and
again turned
to
look into Joanne's.
She
asked, "Where
is
Papa
now,

that
loved
and
cared
for
us
isn't
there
anymore."
Joanne went
on to
explain about funerals
and
burial.
She
told
Laura about what people
do at
calling
hours
and
funerals.
She
told
her
what
she
would
see and
hear

wished. Laura said immediately that
she
wanted
to
see him and be
with
Mommy
and
Daddy
as
much
as
possible.
Joanne
barely
relaxed
when Laura asked
a bit
impatiently, "But
where
is the
part
of
Papa
that
loves
me and you and
Daddy?"
Again,
4 •